Listening to: White Rabbit - Egypt Central
Drinking: Cinnamon and Vanilla Coffee
That is always the question, isn't it? Should you look forward to the future? Or back to the past? In each persons life there is a time where they come to a realization. I've had many. Many mistakes have been made. Many people have been betrayed my selfish and insensitive attitude. I sit here now, years later, wondering, what if I hadn't done that? What if I had not used my personal issues as an excuse to act like such a horrid person? What if I hadn't allowed my mother to mold me to her perfect little demon. That's what we ask ourselves when we mess up, isn't it? What if?
I can honestly say that I'm tired of doing that. I've lived my past once, I sure as hell do not want to do it again. My mind lives in my past, it studies past situations and thinks of other outcomes. It's always in the state of "what if".
Okay, what if I hadn't done anything wrong? What if I hadn't made any mistakes? If I never did any wrong, if I never shattered hearts and betrayed anyone, I wouldn't have learned the many lessons I now know today.
I'm not perfect and I sure as hell try not to act like it. I've made many mistakes, but it has gotten me to where I am now. And that is a very content place. Yes, I am still fighting the demons on my childhood and yes, I do kick myself constantly over the things I have done, simply so I don't ever do them again. But all of this is okay. I'll be okay. Because even though I've done all of the things I have, they taught me not to be that person. They taught me that I needed to change, not just for myself, but for those around me who I care about, who I love, who love(d) me. I owe it to myself, but more importantly, I owe it to them. I owe it to them to show them that I am no longer the person that once lied to them, hurt me, betrayed them, made a fool out of them. I am no longer that person and I will never be again.
I'm trying. So very hard to move on from my past. To stop beating myself up over it every second of every hour of every day. I can't change it, oh, how I wish I could. How I wish I could just wrap my arms around those I hurt and tell them just how much I have ever loved them and cared about them... and have them believe me.
I'm going to try to move forward, to say goodbye to the past me and say hello to the new me. It's taken me a while. But I finally accept the wrong that I have done and I welcome the good that is to come.
Nobody can change you, they can only inspire you to change. Sadly, I was only inspired after I had lost many I love.